Yeah put some pillows under your ass...it'll cure everything.

So I just did it.

Like legit.

And eh, it wasn't that good.

I mean god, that boy is beautiful.

He has a little chub on his tummy, but I love that.

I love everything about him.

WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO GOD DAMN PERFECT?

I mean really... I'm chubby... not that attractive... but UGH.

I mean he's like godly, to me at least.

If he were to attempt to seduce me, let's just say resistance is futile.

Anywho, it's currently Wednesday, which makes tomorrow Thursday, which means I come home tomorrow.

Epic yay.

I miss my bed.

And my cats.

And my mom O_O

I just want to go shopping and buy clothes and school supplies

and see my friends

and sleep in my own bed.

I'm just so afraid of becoming that person I become when I'm not around Colin.

I'm so afraid of becoming that girl who bitches out their boyfriend, 

makes him feel like shit,

tells him she doesn't love him,

makes him cry,

LIKES making him cry.

I don't want to have thoughts of breaking up with him.

I don't want to have to worry about him breaking up with me for being so mean.

I don't want to be a heartless stone cold bitch. :/

I want to be happy like I used to be.

When he was the only thing I'd think about, 

When I put him before myself,

When his smile gave me more butterflies than his crying did,

When I knew how we felt about each other.

Now I don't even know.

Now when he says anything to me I don't feel it.

I feel nothing.

I spend my moments thinking of how I can make this work,

how I can be with him and be happy.

I don't even know anymore.

He's asleep next to me right now,

Futurama is playing on the TV.

I'm cold as fucking balls.

I don't have any idea how I got like this.

Waking up and wanting to make him cry so I can feel butterflies,

so I can feel alive like I used to.

I want to wake up and want to make him SMILE,

I want to wake up and want him to talk to me, I want to wake up and have him ask me to call him and me say yes and us stay on the phone for hours until one of us has to go and then have a long goodbye and I don't want to get angry at him a single time.

I want to mean it when I say I can see myself with him forever.

I try so hard to see inside him and see how beautiful a person he really is.

To see how sweet he is and how hard he tries to make me happy on a daily basis.

Does it work? Rarely.

I'll smile for a second, it fades, then reality snaps back and I'm angry and yelling at him.

I don't want to hurt him anymore.

I want to make him happy again.

I want to make myself happy, too.

Is that selfish of me?
To want to be happy.

Distance is horrible for us, especially since we see each other, the void gets bigger, the pain more intense.

I don't even care about that anymore.

It's just for some reason my mind doesn't want me with him, it wants me bitter and angry and miserable and self conscious and hating myself.

I WANT TO BE WITH HIM.

Why can't the subconscious parts of me understand that I need him, I need this, I need us to carry on?

I've never felt love from someone like I feel it from him.

I've never felt love FOR someone like I feel for him.

I need him in my life to make my days and nights a little more bearable.

He makes me want to be a better person, to do well in school, so I can get into RIT and live up here with him in two years.

He makes me want to smile and jump around and be a happy little girl like I used to be.

Why can't I feel anything anymore?

Why can't I fucking just slap myself silly and wake up and be like HEY, IT'S JUST LIKE IT WAS A FEW MONTHS AGO, WE'RE IN LOVE, WE'RE HAPPY, WHY WAS I SO MISERABLE?

I fucking hate this.