Dear Universe,

I don’t know what you have against me, and frankly I don’t understand why you have anything against me. All I know is I've been dealt a shitty hand, and I can’t swap it out. It isn’t even that everything in my life is bad, because I have a loving mother, and a few very loving friends, which are most of the time reliable. I’d like to ask you, however; why can’t I have one consistent good thing in my life?

From the time I was little I’ve had a shitty father, and this is something I’ve come to terms with. It pains me to see my relationship with him turn to shit as well, but I’ve accepted it. I realize that I can’t change who he is and how he behaves towards me, so I have no choice really but to exile him most of the time.

But why, given the fact that I’m most of the time a fairly decent person, would you ever take away the thing that matters most? Yes, I love my mom, cats, friends, Lady Gaga, Harry Potter, etc…. but why would you take Colin from me? I honestly do not understand the way you work. I feel I’m deserving of him. I’ve put up with some tough things in my life, and while I do have some personality flaws (just like every other human being inside of you), I was good to him most of the time. Why would you take him from me, knowing he meant so much? Knowing that he kept me happy? Kept me from wanting to take my own life? Kept me from feeling negative emotions? Helped me deal with things? Why couldn’t you let me have JUST THIS ONE THING? Just this one person, who to YOU is one tiny being inside of your vast amounts of organisms, but to me was my entire world?

He meant more to me than you do, universe. That boy meant EVERYTHING to me. He kept the tears in my eyes, most of the time, and kept a smile on my face. He put hope, trust, faith, love, happiness, in my life and in my heart, and made my future seem bright, because I knew… or I THOUGHT that I’d always have him in it.

You ripped from my body his heart, which I had for a solid year. You took his voice from my ears, his love from my life, his arms from my arms, his hands from my hands. You ripped away his body from next to mine, and his lips on my cheek. And you left me with nothing.

So this I ask, why would you do this? They say “God giveth, and God taketh,” or whatever they say, and I know that not all things last forever, but really? I’m such a broken person, I am broken enough for twenty people… you couldn’t let me have just this one thing?

My first real love, the first person to show me “Hey, Amanda, you’re not a complete pile of shit. YOU MATTER. I care about you, you are worthy of being loved, just like your name means, and you are perfect in my eyes.”

Scratch that, the ONLY person to ever show me that it doesn’t matter what I weigh, how tall I am, how smart I am, how much makeup I wear, how expensive my clothes are, how good my hair looks, but it matters how much I love. The only person to ever make me feel like I could be saved, like my life wasn’t going to end up in complete wreckage. And you took him from me.

Give me something worthwhile. Give me something true. Give me something pure. Give me something to erase the wrongs in my life, better than Colin did. Give me something I can hold onto, and I don’t have to fear it cutting me off. Give me something to wake up in the morning and smile because I have it. Give me something to make me feel like I matter. Give me something to make me feel like it’s not all my fault, all of the time. Give me something to make me feel like it’s okay that I fail sometimes, it’s okay that I’m lazy sometimes, it’s okay that I can’t control my anger sometimes, it’s okay that I’m not all happy, all the time, it’s okay that I say things I don’t mean, it’s okay that I’m a fucking human. Please. I need something. I need something not half as good as Colin, not almost as good as Colin, not just as good as Colin, but I need something BETTER than Colin. And while I love that boy with every cell in my body, while my heart breaks to see him happy, while my entire body trembles at the mere mention of him, and I would do absolutely anything to have him back in my arms one last time: if there is something better, I need it. I need to know that two people can be together for a long time, and maybe hit one year. I need to know that the words “I love you” come with an “I’ll never abandon you” guarantee. I need to know that the idea of marriage isn’t a completely silly idea. I need to know that someone somewhere was made for me, that someone was put on this Earth to find me and to love me.

Please, I need it, my time and patience are wearing thin on this planet. I don’t know how much more solitude and misery I can handle. I don’t want to die at my own hands but I fear I’m being driven to that point.

-Amanda.

Still Shitty, YAY!

Nothing has changed with Colin.
I try and try and try to make things good.
And I try to think of why I'm feeling like this.
I can't come up with anything.
I don't know what to do.
I'm not happy when I'm not around him.
I don't know if it's worth it.
I want to be as happy as I was in November.
Or even before he asked me out, when it was all dangerous and thrilling cause I had another boyfriend at the time, and I want to re-fall in love with him.
Fuck.

Yeah put some pillows under your ass...it'll cure everything.

So I just did it.

Like legit.

And eh, it wasn't that good.

I mean god, that boy is beautiful.

He has a little chub on his tummy, but I love that.

I love everything about him.

WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO GOD DAMN PERFECT?

I mean really... I'm chubby... not that attractive... but UGH.

I mean he's like godly, to me at least.

If he were to attempt to seduce me, let's just say resistance is futile.

Anywho, it's currently Wednesday, which makes tomorrow Thursday, which means I come home tomorrow.

Epic yay.

I miss my bed.

And my cats.

And my mom O_O

I just want to go shopping and buy clothes and school supplies

and see my friends

and sleep in my own bed.

I'm just so afraid of becoming that person I become when I'm not around Colin.

I'm so afraid of becoming that girl who bitches out their boyfriend, 

makes him feel like shit,

tells him she doesn't love him,

makes him cry,

LIKES making him cry.

I don't want to have thoughts of breaking up with him.

I don't want to have to worry about him breaking up with me for being so mean.

I don't want to be a heartless stone cold bitch. :/

I want to be happy like I used to be.

When he was the only thing I'd think about, 

When I put him before myself,

When his smile gave me more butterflies than his crying did,

When I knew how we felt about each other.

Now I don't even know.

Now when he says anything to me I don't feel it.

I feel nothing.

I spend my moments thinking of how I can make this work,

how I can be with him and be happy.

I don't even know anymore.

He's asleep next to me right now,

Futurama is playing on the TV.

I'm cold as fucking balls.

I don't have any idea how I got like this.

Waking up and wanting to make him cry so I can feel butterflies,

so I can feel alive like I used to.

I want to wake up and want to make him SMILE,

I want to wake up and want him to talk to me, I want to wake up and have him ask me to call him and me say yes and us stay on the phone for hours until one of us has to go and then have a long goodbye and I don't want to get angry at him a single time.

I want to mean it when I say I can see myself with him forever.

I try so hard to see inside him and see how beautiful a person he really is.

To see how sweet he is and how hard he tries to make me happy on a daily basis.

Does it work? Rarely.

I'll smile for a second, it fades, then reality snaps back and I'm angry and yelling at him.

I don't want to hurt him anymore.

I want to make him happy again.

I want to make myself happy, too.

Is that selfish of me?
To want to be happy.

Distance is horrible for us, especially since we see each other, the void gets bigger, the pain more intense.

I don't even care about that anymore.

It's just for some reason my mind doesn't want me with him, it wants me bitter and angry and miserable and self conscious and hating myself.

I WANT TO BE WITH HIM.

Why can't the subconscious parts of me understand that I need him, I need this, I need us to carry on?

I've never felt love from someone like I feel it from him.

I've never felt love FOR someone like I feel for him.

I need him in my life to make my days and nights a little more bearable.

He makes me want to be a better person, to do well in school, so I can get into RIT and live up here with him in two years.

He makes me want to smile and jump around and be a happy little girl like I used to be.

Why can't I feel anything anymore?

Why can't I fucking just slap myself silly and wake up and be like HEY, IT'S JUST LIKE IT WAS A FEW MONTHS AGO, WE'RE IN LOVE, WE'RE HAPPY, WHY WAS I SO MISERABLE?

I fucking hate this.

Hoo Lawdy...

Soo I'm laying in bed, exciting, right?
Colin's asleep next to me...sweating and breathing like a sleeping gorilla. Hot. lmao.
Butlike it's kinda odd how his sweat smells sweet...and it's like..mm...
Reminding me of two days ago...Omg.
Blogging randomly cause I sorta want to jump his bones rn.

Mreh.

Sometimes I feel like he sees right through me.
Sometimes I know he lies to me just so I don't bitch at him.
Sometimes I feel he wants to just rip off all my fat and then he'll be happy, even though he says it doesn't care.
Sometimes I want to walk out of his house while he's asleep and find my way home and shut off all my electronics and never talk to him again.
Sometimes I'm sorry for being so mean to him all the time.
Sometimes I think he deserves it...
Sometimes I think he tries to make me angry.
Sometimes I wish he'd produce Altoids from the back of his throat while he sleeps...omg.
Sometimes I think I should feel more alive in this relationship than I feel.
Sometimes I hate the routine and the repetition of this whole damn thing.
Sometimes I hate myself for being so selfish and staying with him.
Sometimes I don't know why I do stay with him, the distance is too much for me to handle, I don't want to have to keep paying hundreds of dollars to come here, see him, and get sick of him within days.
Sometimes I want something else, someone else.

Someone help me, please.

Life Lately...

So lately I've been on an emotional rollercoster, as dramatic as that sounds.
I've been staying at my boyfriend's house for almost a week, I got here last Tuesday and I go home Thursday.
This is really my last big "harrah" of the summer.
Aside from that, I've been dealing with my stupid father.
I was forced to make this account because he incessantly stalked me on a website many people know, tumblr.
Now, I don't mind this website, it's not SO bad, but I liked tumblr because a bunch of people I'm friends with have accounts, and we all followed each other and would reblog funny things, it was nice.
But now I can't even show some of them my blog for fear that this would be linked to my real name... :/
Anyway.
I wanna blog about stuff that's deep, personal, really really deep and personal.
I don't necessarily know if it's safe
I mean really, what's safe anymore?
Journals can easily be read or broken into, blogs can be googled and read, there aren't privacy settings on a blog because the makers of websites like this find that most people WANT people reading their blogs.
I don't.
I want SELECT people reading this.
But whatever.
I'm not putting my name on here.

School starts in 10 days. :/
Not looking forward to being a junior.
At all.
It's not that I'm particularly scared or anything.
The workload will be about the same I had freshman year.
(Sophomore year I was a bit of a slacker.)
Should be fine.
I just don't want to take the PSAT, SAT, ACT, other things, asdfjkl;.
I'm one frustrated bitch right now.
On top of all this, my sleeping schedule is FUCKED.
I almost can't go to sleep before it's 5 in the morning. I usually sleep till about 1-3pm.
I wake up, pee, eat, lay around doing nothing, and then talk to Colin or whatever until it's around 5am again.
Then I sleep, maybe, sometimes I won't even go to sleep till about 6 or 7... :(
I hate this.
I want to sleep.
I want to wake up while it's still considered morning like everyone else.
I didn't want to end up sleeping my summer away but that's exactly what I did.
I slept it all away, and now I only have one summer left as a legal "child", after that I'm an adult, a college kid, heading toward buying a house and having kids and paying taxes and a mortgage.

This is all too much to handle.
I need something to take all this stress away.
It usually would be Colin,
but lately he's just been adding to it.
I mean I'd normally love his clinginess, or the fact that he's so lovey.
But recently it's just been getting on my nerves.
It's like after we, yknow, did certain activities together, it made him want to be closer, but made me only want to be further apart.

I want more friends and more friend time, but it seems I'm losing friends rather than gaining them.
I wish my school was bigger, like my mom's was when she went to school, so I could still be meeting new people.
And I wish that when we get new kids the stupid skinny Abercormbie bitches wouldn't snag them up right away.
I want a chance to make some new friends, meet some new people.
...Don't get me wrong, I love the friends I have, the ones who have stayed with me through the years, but I mean, come on, I've been in this school for 12 years now including Kindergarten. I basically know everyone in my grade inside and out, their names, some of their middle names, a lot of their parents, siblings, some of their pets even. I really don't want to be this close to any of them, because if they were strangers I wouldn't give most of them a second glance.

This year better have something good in store for me.
A change.
A big change.
Maybe I'll do more extra-curriculars?
But doesn't that only make it seem like I actually WANT to be involved in this school?
Maybe I'll go to YDA more?
Maybe I'll hang out with people I never really have hung out with before but have always wanted to?
Maybe I'll actually make an effort to do well, instead of just having my grades handed to me on a silver platter?
I don't know.
So many maybes and what ifs right now.
I just hope 10 days from now, I'm ready.